Q. My 19-year-old daughter is dating a young man who was once accused of date rape but his fiancée didn’t pursue it and they broke up. I’m terrified that my daughter will get herself into a situation that she won’t be able to handle and will end up getting raped. What do you suggest?

A. I suggest you sit down with your daughter and tell her how frightened you are for her safety. Yes, people can change their behavior, but frequently they do not.

If she insists on dating him, remind her that the brain matures more slowly than the body. For example, the largest of the three bridges that connect the two cerebral hemispheres (the corpus callosum) is not myelinated or wrapped with insulation until about age 20 or 21. The pre-frontal lobes directly behind the forehead that contain the brain’s executive functions (e.g., decision, willpower, planning, conscience, morality) are considered to be developed somewhere around the mid-twenties—and this process takes about 1.6 longer to occur in the male brain.

Her brain is likely a couple of years away from having the connecting fibers of the corpus callosum wrapped with insulation (myelinated). Until this happens, her brain will be at risk for “shorting out” (e.g., making decisions that may not be in her best interests). In fact, any decisions made prior to the maturation of the corpus callosum and pre-frontal lobes may not work very well once the brain has developed and matured.

I would also make sure your daughter knows how to protect herself. For example:

  1. Carry a cell phone so she can call 911 or home
  2. Carry Mace® or other repellant
  3. Avoid going alone with him to places unknown to her
  4. If he exhibits a behavior toward her that is demeaning or threatening, or that she doesn’t like (e.g., pushing her for sexual activity on his terms), tell her to put her hand out and say “STOP” in a loud low voice
  5. She may need to be prepared to jump out of the car at a stoplight if she is afraid

Having said that, there may not be much else you can do except perhaps to ask another adult your daughter trusts to talk with her. Some brains become determined to “prove” that your opinion was wrong and so dig in their heels in a dysfunctional relationship when you mention your concerns. Remember, her brain isn’t “done” yet!