Q. I grew up in a family of “blamers,” and I didn’t like it but I don’t really know how to get out of that habit pattern.

A. Great question. I know of no magic bullet that will change this type of behavior. Often people who need to blame others struggle with issues of self-worth. Temporarily they feel better about themselves as long as they perceive that someone else is to blame... it keeps the heat off them. It is a very short-term hit, however, so to feel better about themselves they continually must find someone or something to blame.

Any time you perceive yourself looking around to find someone to blame, ask yourself if assigning blame will result in a positive outcome. Will assigning blame solve the problem, correct the process, or improve the system so that this type of situation may be avoided in the future?

Focus instead on the system or process and brainstorm how the process or system could be altered in a way that would result in a positive outcome if the same situation arose in the future.

If your own behavior contributed to the negative situation, take responsibility for your part and figure out what you could do differently another time. Avoid taking responsibility for anything for which you could not really be responsible. Taking inappropriate responsibility is as dysfunctional as failing to take responsibility for your actions.