Q. My partner and I recently attended The Brain Program. What we learned has improved our relationship immensely and we now have a more neutral language with which to discuss differences. We’re considering consolidating our living arrangements. One behavior pattern concerns me, however. My partner has a tendency not to follow through on promises and commitments. But I love this person! What should I do?

A. I couldn’t tell you the number of times I’ve heard, “But I love him!” or “But I’m in love with her!” Interestingly enough the comments often follow a rehearsal of egregious (if not life-threatening) behaviors. Thus the appropriate question isn’t whether or not you love this person. You may love a baby skunk, too. Do you want to bring it into your home and live with its behaviors for the rest of your life?” I’ve known individuals who fell in love with a convicted rapist. My question always is, “Do you want to take the risk of bringing this individual into your home?”

You say there’s a tendency not to follow through on promises and commitments. Generally, future behavior is best predicted by past experience and previous behavior. Unfortunately, history teaches us that we as human beings sometimes learn very little from history. While this may be true collectively, individually we can learn from the past and achieve a different outcome in the present. Learning from the past involves evaluating our relationships and the patterns of behaviors that are exhibited over time. Do you want to be subjected to these patterns of behaviors in the future? They’ll likely continue unless and until your SO gets into recovery and learns to practice and exhibit behaviors that are more functional and desirable. Will you be happy and contented for the rest of your life if your SO continues these behaviors?

Knowing that your brain profiles evidence compatibility is one thing and it gives you some indication of how easy or difficult it may be to work on your relationship. That’s different from evaluating the relationship in terms of exhibited behaviors. Remember that the chemistry of attraction begins to wear off in about 18-24 months. To continue the relationship, both partners need to have a long-term commitment and devise creative strategies for keeping the relationship interesting to the brain. Intense courtship situations, during which decisions with long-term consequences were made, may have given rise to the axiom “partner in haste, repent at leisure.”

Evaluate this relationship carefully. Exhibited behaviors are valuable clues. Make a clear decision about whether or not these behaviors are functional, desirable, and enhance your life. Then take appropriate actions based on your evaluation and your decisions. It’s not always easy to do this, but the actions you take will impact the rest of your life!