Realizations Inc

It all started when I heard a story about a lady who had phoned a friend and related a terrifying experience she'd had that very day when her car had stalled on a busy freeway. She'd related every detail explicitly as her friend listened. As the lady was winding down, her friend was just about to relate a similar experience when the lady's doorbell rang. "Oh, I have to go and answer the door," she exclaimed, "but thanks for listening. And especially thanks for not telling me about your worst car experience in return!"

Some of us, like this lady, simply want the listener to listen to every detail of the event down to the very color of the clothes that were worn. Others prefer the listener to interact by asking questions. Still others want the listener to share similar stories in return. Some just want the nutshell version so they can be on their way. And, of course, there are some who are very private and don't want to share their experience even if a friend had spotted their car by the side of the freeway with the hood raised and had stopped to help!

In addition to listen-style preferences, there are also different ways of relating a story. I like to tell every minute detail as a confirmation that you have the whole picture. In fact, I can find it stressful not to be able to tell the whole story and, sometimes, this prevents me from telling the story at all. Some individuals want to hear my story exactly as I like to tell it. Others only want to hear the highlights and fill in the cracks with their imagination. Others want to hear the highlights and then quiz me about additional details that are important to them. Still others couldn't care less about my story.

Each of us has a preferred listening style and a preferred storytelling style. When we don't understand this, varying from our preference can cause stress. What happens when your best friend and confident has a different style? What happens when you're partnered with someone at the other end of the spectrum?

A few years ago I had a friend who wanted to spend time with me but who didn't seem to appreciate my storytelling style. At the time, I concluded that this individual didn't want to hear what I had to say. In fact, I was fairly convinced that this person found me quite boring. I was puzzled. Other people seemed to enjoy conversing with me. Why not this person? When I finally conjured up the courage to ask, the answer to my question was that I "take forever to get to the point."

Fortunately, this all changed when I attended one of Arlene Taylor's seminars, The Brain Program. Lights started flashing on inside my head. I quickly realized that this friend and I had different brain leads and sensory preferences. We even had very different extraversion / introversion ratios! What had appeared to me as unappreciative had nothing to do with "boring" and everything to do with innate differences! This meant that while some enjoyed listening to my storytelling style, others experienced it as very energy intensive. Well! I'd identified the problem but I wasn't yet sure how to solve it. Gradually I began to pay more attention to how I listen and more clearly identified my preferred storytelling style. In addition to being more selective in which stories I related to which friends, I observed their responses. I even risked sharing my preferences and asking some questions! In response, one of my friends stated openly that she preferred to hear only the highlights and thought that others should be sensitive to this when sharing stories with her.

I pondered this revelation. It didn't seem fair. Shouldn't she be equally sensitive to those of us who preferred to rehearse every detail? When I again broached the subject, she suggested that perhaps we needed to compromise. Depending on what was going on in her life, sometimes she could listen attentively as I shared every detail. At other times, I'd give her only the highlights.

I finally decided that the solution is to be sensitive to one another's preferences. When I've attempted to cut out some of the details (and believe me, this wasn't easy), two of my friends were much more willing to listen to me. I discovered that while they were really interested in what I wanted to share, they simply needed the shorter version.

On the other hand, some of my friends want to hear every single detail. Naturally they're my preferred audience when I really have an urge to spill my guts. The bottom line is that I no longer take offense when someone doesn't appear to like my story. I conclude that either they're really busy at the moment or they just have a different preference from mine.

I recently obtained a new perspective from still another friend. In an attempt to deal successfully with differences in preference, her strategy is to tell the punchline first. If the listeners want the full scoop they need only ask a question or two and she's happy to fill them in on all the details. If they're happy with the crunched version, everyone has saved a lot of time!

Understanding your preferred listening and storytelling styles, recognizing that of your friends, and then being willing to accommodate them is not only honoring but smart. It may save both you and them a great deal of stress and actually preserve some friendships.

It's been said that many of us don't really listen carefully. Rather, we're busy thinking about what we're going to say as soon as the other individual finishes or even pauses to take a breath! Really listening carefully, really hearing to the best of our ability what the other person is trying to communicate, is essential to good relationships.

I've thought about this a great deal. If I can tell a story differently depending on the preference of my listener, and if I can listen differently depending on the preference of the person who's telling a story, not only am I communicating in more of a whole-brain style, but our communication will likely be much more effective. Lately I've spent more time really listening to the special people in my life. We verbalize each other's preferences and incorporate that awareness into our conversations. It's amazing how this improves communication! I challenge you to do the same and enjoy the way in which it can enhance all your relationships.