Realizations Inc

You Can Recovery From Your Losses

©Arlene R. Taylor PhD

Grief is a natural response to loss. It can be defined simply as intense emotional suffering related to misfortune, injury, or evil of any type. It can also be described as conflicting feelings that are experienced following any major change to a familiar state of affairs. Unresolved loss or unhealed grief can accumulate and can impact the intensity of one’s reaction to a present experience of loss.

Grief recovery is the process of learning to feel better and to achieve a condition of balance following any type of loss. For some, grief recovery means returning to a previously experienced state of soundness and balance; for others, it means attaining a state of soundness and balance that they may not have experienced before. It involves grieving the loss and healing the emotional pain. Just as human beings can recover from the pain of surgery and feel better as the incision heals, or recover from a broken bone and feel better as the bone knits together, so you can recover from a loss and feel better as you move through the grieving process and heal from the emotional pain.

There can be a vast difference between the grieving process useful in preparation for one’s own death and grief recovery that is effective for the survivors of loss. The Kubler-Ross work has been landmark in helping individuals prepare to die with dignity. The Grief Recovery Pyramid Model, on the other hand, is designed to help survivors move through grief recovery successfully, even gracefully.

Loss

According to Webster’s Dictionary loss is the experiencing of losing something. It is often interpreted too narrowly, however. It could involve the loss of a loved one in death or divorce, displacement due to a natural disaster such an earthquake, a mastectomy or the amputation of a limb, a failing in some sensory perception (e.g., sight or hearing), a hoped-for event that does not materialize, the diminishment of perceived options (e.g., inability to follow a certain career path), or the loss of specific types of freedoms. Defining loss more globally reinforces the need for effective grief recovery. Unfortunately, many are unprepared to deal with loss effectively. Here are some contributors:

1. Culture has taught its members how to be adept at acquiring, but not at losing.
2. Many have developed unhelpful ways of coping with loss and the resulting emotion of sadness.
3. In general, people are uncomfortable about knowing what to say in situations of loss and sadness.
4. Many never learned the requisite skills to deal effectively with the stress that accompanies loss.
5. Present society emphasizes instant everything, and effective grief recovery takes time.
6. Many do not understand how to identify emotions accurately or manage feelings appropriately.
7. Society has perpetuated myths related to grief and loss, including:

In general, behavioral patterns related to loss and grief recovery are learned, often in one’s family-of-origin. These patterns reflect role modeling of caregivers, personal experience, cultural conditioning, verbal and nonverbal instructions (e.g., religion, politics), and expectations, to name just a few. Learning more effective behaviors can increase one’s likelihood of recovering successfully from loss and freeing up vital energy. Becoming empowered to deal more effectively with your own losses increases the probability of your being better equipped to offer encouragement and affirmation to others during their episodes of loss and grief recovery.

Your Unique Brain

Loss hurts. There’s no way around that. Your emotions and feelings are closely intertwined with both loss and with the grieving process. Because of this, your grieving style is impacted by the way in which your brain manages and expresses emotions. This, in turn, is influenced by your own innate thinking process preference.

The cerebrum or thinking-brain layer is divided by natural fissures into two hemispheres. Additional natural fissures in each hemisphere create four divisions. Each cerebral division possesses somewhat distinct functional abilities, although there is some overlap because the brain is so complex and so interconnected.

Each human brain is believed to possess a biochemical energy advantage in one of the four divisions (e.g., PET Scan studies). This means that you tend to expend less energy when performing tasks that draw on the functions of your most efficient division.

You tend to expend more energy (e.g., require more oxygen, glucose, micronutrition, rest and sleep) when performing tasks that draw on functions in non-preferred divisions (and that’s even after skills have been developed). It also means that unless you make a different conscious choice your brain tends to gravitate toward tasks and behaviors that utilize your most energy-efficient division. This advantage is often referred to as your brain lead and it can impact grief perception, expression, and recovery processes.

Stereotypical Approach to Emotion Based on Thinking Process Preference

Grief Recovery Pyramid

The emotion of sadness is a signal that you have experienced a loss. Learn to quickly and accurately recognize the emotion of sadness and use the energy it generates to help you take appropriate action and move through grief recovery at a pace that is right for you.

In general, appropriately grieving loss episodes in your own life can increase the likelihood that you can truly help others deal and grieve effectively with their losses. Remember that you may circle back and forth or around the Grief Recovery Pyramid during the recovery process.

Grief Recovery Pyramid Stages

Gender Differences

Studies show that males often move to anger when the emotions of fear or sadness arise (whether or not anger is the appropriate emotion for the situation). Females, on the other hand, often move directly to sadness when the emotions of anger or fear arise. Not only can this be unhelpful to the individual who is misidentifying the emotion, it can be a source of conflict and misunderstanding, especially at a time when supportive cross-gender communication is vitally important.

Males and females typically exhibit widely differing coping strategies and styles of behaviors in situations related to loss and grief. Because of societal expectations that males should remain in control of their emotions at all times (essentially be silent about them), males may fail to articulate their loss. The unexpressed pain can trigger an emotional retreat into stony silence, attempts at suicide, or violent reactionary behaviors. Unresolved grief from the past can increase the intensity of their reactions to present episodes of loss. They may react out of proportion to the situation at hand because of their accumulated slush fund of stored, unresolved emotional pain.

Females, on the other hand, have been socialized to express grief aloud and encounter fewer taboos against crying. They may avoid taking constructive action, believing that talking is enough even when taking action could help them to cope more effectively. They can become stuck in recounting the loss, and develop the habit of brooding. This enmeshment can delay acceptance and resolution and lead to immobility.

Summary of Stereotypical Grieving Styles by Gender

Due to the great disparity in grieving styles between the genders, it’s no surprise that some relationships fall apart when loss occurs. Even when the partners do not separate they may misread each other’s messages and fail to offer the support, acceptance, and nurturing that are so vital for healthy healing and recovery. Males and females need to learn from each other’s strengths, share the burden of loss, recognize stereotypical gender tendencies, and encourage one another in implementing effective grief-recovery strategies.

Helping Children Deal with Loss

Loss can be overwhelming for children. They may exhibit this by going from being quiet to noisy (or vice versa), or from caring to aggressive or stoic. They may experience nightmares or sleep-walking, become easily upset, become frantic when care providers are out of sight, or revert to more infantile behaviors (e.g., thumb sucking, bed wetting). They may begin to engage in risky behaviors, begin to isolate from others, or become excessively clingy. To the extent that you are comfortable with handling loss and managing your own grief recovery you will be able to role model an appropriate process for them.

Here are some suggestions for actions you can take to help children deal with loss effectively:

• Provide opportunities for them to talk about how they feel. Accept that what they feel is reality for them at this time. Listen without judgment and be patient. It can sometimes be helpful to offer feedback later on rather than immediately after they have verbalized their feelings.

• Encourage them to express their feelings by drawing, taking pictures, journaling, or working on crafts.

• Role model using words that express emotions—words such as afraid, sad, or angry. Also use words that express happiness and pleasure at having known the person or pet (if death was involved).

• Let them know that tears are okay and can be helpful in the grieving process, regardless of gender. Avoid pushing them to cry, but if they do exhibit tears, reaffirm that tears are a natural brain phenomenon that are a gesture of deep emotion.

• Reassure them that you expect to be there to take care of them. Remind them of other people in their lives that also expect to be there to help them grow up safely (e.g., aunts, uncles, good friends, teachers).

• Give them hope for the future. Write on the calendar activities for next week, month, and year. The upcoming “carrot” can help them see past the immediate loss and enable them to visualize the future.

• Maintain familiar routines as much as possible to help promote a sense of security and stability. Knowing what is going to happen (e.g., dinner is at 6pm, grocery shopping happens Wednesday evening) can reduce a tendency to carry a sense of uncertainty into every aspect of life.

• Help them to experience a sense of being in control over something (e.g., clothing selections, foods, games). If it is inappropriate for them to be in complete control, at least give them some choice about a portion of the event, activity, or situation.

• Avoid isolating yourself. Schedule time with friends and relatives. Reminisce about the happy and the sad. If the loss involves a person or pet, tell stories about them. Laugh about funny things that happened with them in the past. If tears come even while you are laughing, accept that. Both joy and loss are part of living.

• Allow them to participate in doing something to improve the situation for others (e.g., visiting a friend, taking flowers to the hospital, writing a letter, making phone calls, donating food to homeless).

• Include them in your grief recovery process. Be authentic. Allow them to see frailty as well as strength. Children often have a sense about what is “real” and what isn’t. Avoid frightening them with your grief and, at the same time, include them as you move through the process.

Strategies for Recovering from Your Losses

1. Create a loss history

Write down all the losses you can recall. Include them all, even small ones (so called). Put in the dates and locations to the best of your memory. Avoid denial, mislabeling, and minimizing. Loss and grief can be cumulative!

2. Verbalize your loss

Use real words and avoid euphemisms. Actively engage in grief recovery. All human beings experience loss in life and they can recovery from those losses. Allow yourself to experience all your emotions—they give you valuable information—knowing that you don’t have to take overt action on any of them.

3. Stop blaming

This includes yourself as well as others. Most people did the best they could at the time with the tools they had. Even if they were evil, you can’t change what happened. Giving up the need to blame and just dealing with “what is” allows you to be more open to the trauma that others may be experiencing. It can give you the opportunity to pass along what you have learned to someone else.

4. Take responsibility for your own grief recovery

Living the way you know that your loved one would want you to live requires a recovery process. This doesn’t mean you have to go it alone. It does mean no one can do it for you. Your recovery is your job. Accept that death and loss are as much a part of life as birth and the process of acquiring. Be very clear that while others may be both supportive and affirming, they cannot work the process for you. Successful and even graceful grief recovery is one way to honor your loved one.

5. Access your support system

Human beings are relational and spiritual creatures. Hopefully, you’ve already developed relationships with a few key people who can listen to you talk, provide helpful feedback, engage in selected activities with you, or just “be” with you as needed. Avoid isolating yourself. Allow others to give you the gift of their empathy and caring, which can help them in their grief recovery as well. Hone your spirituality in a way that works for you.

6. Celebrate the resilience of the human spirit

Respect the memory of those who have died. Each one holds a position in your generational inheritance or in your life journey. You carry that memory in your mind and can call it up any time you choose. That is one way to keep a loved one with you. Talking about your loved one and sharing special stories is another way. You may want to do something special to help keep the memory of your loved one alive on this planet.

7. Look for the open door

Recognize that you always get something when you have to give something up. Look for that gift. Find that something! When one door closes in life, avoid wasting time pounding on it. Instead, look for other options. Be alert to unexpected opportunities and take constructive action to embrace them. Something very wonderful may happen in this process! Above all, honor your own work in the face of loss, whatever that loss may be—and it does involve work!